4 Keys to Success (at anything)

When I was doing Ironman triathlons, I was a member of Endurance Nation, an online community of triathletes led by a couple of coaches. The bedrock of Endurance Nation's training for an Ironman is what they refer to as the Four Keys of Race Execution, where the premise is that driving your body through a self-propelled 140.6 miles is simply too big a problem to solve without a strategy and an approach to solving a really big problem - because as it turns out, swimming 2.4 miles, cycling 112 miles, and then running 26.2 miles, all within 17 hours, is a really big problem.

But before too long, I started realizing that the four keys are applicable to approaching big challenges in general, not just for Ironman triathlons.

The four keys are:

1. Execution (X) -
2. The box (B)
3. The line (/)
4. The one thing (1)

Execution

As a kid, I used to think that all I needed was a great idea, and I could become rich - and I'm sure I'm not alone in that regard. However, I eventually came to learn that an idea itself is cheap and just about worthless - the real value is the ability to execute. Being able to execute is so important that seemingly bad ideas (like inviting strangers to sleep in your spare bed) have become the basis for a company (AirBnB) now worth over 100 billion USD, simply because someone figured out how to execute on the idea in a way that was appealing.

Execution doesn't have to be being able to throw the long ball 80 yds for an amazing touch down. It's exciting when that happens, but it can simply be picking up the ball and moving it a few yards. As long as there is big picture directional vision, and the needle is being moved, those inches add up over time.

Execution - being able to think critically about the challenge or problem to be solved, and being able to move the needle in a productive way - is what gets results.

The Box

There are certain things we can control, and there are certain things we cannot control. When faced with a major challenge, it is critical to evaluate and know what we can control (and therefore what we should expend mental energy on), and what we cannot (and therefore what is not worth a second thought).

For example, if I am working with a customer, and they are evaluating my proposed solution and a competing solution - I can control how my solution is presented, I can control the messaging of how my solution addresses their needs/concerns, and I can control whether my relationship with the customer is full of positive interactions or not. However, I cannot control what the competing solution features are, and I can't control the messaging of the competition when I'm not around (however, if I know what the messaging may be, I can control my response to the customer around said messaging).

Control what is in your box and within your sphere of influence, and don't get overly concerned about what is outside of your control.

The Line

At some point, things are just going to get hard. Challenges wouldn't be big if they didn't have a point where things become a grind. The first thing is to recognize that it's going to happen. The second thing is to make decisions from the start to push that line back as far as possible. Usually this comes down to preparation - if I know a certain obstacle is going to pop up in the future, I can make decisions well ahead of time to either minimize the discomfort, or at least prepare for it in some way to maximize my chances of success.

Donald Rumsfeld caught a lot of flak back in the day for talking about known unknowns and unknown unknowns. While known knowns and known unknowns sounds goofy, he was actually spot-on. If we prepare for the known unknowns ('surprises' that, with some forethought, we can anticipate), we push the line back, and we reserve mental bandwidth and attention (a resource more precious than time) for dealing with unknown unknowns (true surprises) as they come up.

Things will get difficult. Know they will get difficult, and do what you can to push that line back as far as possible

The one thing

If we are taking on a big challenge, we are doing so because we are motivated by some sort of why. We want to set a good example, we are raising money for some cause, we are furthering our career, etc. However, humans can be very good as justifying secondary outcomes that are easier, especially when we are in the grind of a situation and just want out, or to be done, or move on to the next thing.

Therefore, it's important to understand the true reason for doing something, and being honest with yourself in exploring and understanding your motivations. Are you doing something because it is expected of you from someone else, or are you intrinsically motivated? One can accomplish things in the case of the former, but people can push themselves a lot further in the case of the latter. Many times there are multiple factors that play into a decision to take on a big challenge - it's important to keep those factors and motivators in mind, because when things get tough, a single reason may not be enough to continue pushing and pursuing to the final end goal.

What is the primary motivation for taking on the challenge that will help keep you on track when things get tough? And... it doesn't hurt to have multiple 'one things'.

Big challenges are hard. They require planning, they require dedication, they require discipline, they require patience - and that is all a lot of work. But, with the right framework and approach, big problems are manageable, and they are achievable.

Empathy: Turning Toward, Away, and Against

It's been a while since I've written about empathy (The Secret to Building Relationships, Emotional Literacy), and in this post I wanted to write about a way that people often sabotage their empathetic efforts without even realizing it.

Relationships, be it personal or professional/business, are built upon trust, but what builds trust?

In short, bids for connection, and specifically, bids for connection that are answered in a positive way.

Obviously, in a business sense, the bids for connection are vastly different from the bids for connection in personal relationships - but there are bids nonetheless.

At the core of a bid for connection there is a person (the bidder) who is, in some way, shape or form, saying to another person (biddee, for lack of a real word) 'Hey, I'm here. Do you see me?' How the biddee responds has a huge impact on whether the bidder feels seen, heard, and/or recognized, and subsequently whether trust begins to develop, or if the opportunity to build trust is lost.

There are three primary ways a biddee can respond - they can either turn towards, turn away, or turn against.

• Turn Towards: In this scenario, the bidder makes a bid for connection, and the biddee responds by holding emotional space and devoting attention to the bidder. A more common phrase we may come across that signifies turning towards is active listening.
• Turn Away: In this scenario, the bidder make a bid, but the biddee only perhaps makes a vague attempt to respond, or does not respond at all.
• Turn Against: In this scenario, the bidder makes a bid, but the biddee actively rejects the bid.

To get the obvious out of the way, I think we can all agree that turning towards is the best scenario to build a relationship. And we can probably all agree that turning against is not ideal, either. But what is interesting is that turning away is actually the most destructive.

Yes, even more destructive than turning against.

Why? Because turning against provides the opportunity for repair. Turning against may harm the bidder, but at least the bidder knows where they stand. It's not a comfortable spot, but it's a known quantity. Turning away, on the other hand, leaves things vague. The bidder is hurt, but is still in a position that leaves hope, leaves opportunity for second chances, etc.

Think of this example. You and a friend go out to dinner, sit down, and catch up for a few minutes after sitting down. The other person then grabs their phone and starts checking email, facebook, reddit, or whatever else they are doing that is not paying attention to you. It's easy to cast this aside as 'oh, they don't mean to be a jerk', or 'oh, they are just checking work email because they may have something important that came up'. A thousand excuses come to mind, yet in the end, you are sitting there opposite a person who indicated they wanted to share an experience with you (dinner), yet in the moment, decided that something else was more important with barely an explanation.

Now, think about your reaction if they had said, at the onset, 'Yes, lets meet for dinner - but I will be honest and tell you I may get distracted because things are crazy at work right now, and I apologize for it'. So much better! All because they took half a second to put themselves in your shoes, turn towards you and be honest and upfront with you about the situation.

As I said earlier, all relationships - personal and business (heck, even parent/child relationships) - are built upon trust. After over 20 years of working with customers in the business world, I've seen variations of all the above play out, and seen how it impacts relationships. Regardless of how technically successful a project may or may not be, far more important, and the thing that leaves a much longer lasting impression, is how did the other party feel about the interactions they had with you?

If the other party felt you understood where they were coming from, and you took the time and effort to turn towards them - chances are much higher they will want to do business with you in the future, regardless of the technical outcome of the previous interaction was a success or not.

The concept of turning toward, away, and against is from Dr Gottman and his research at the Gottman Institute.

Why To-Do Lists Often Fail

When we get stressed or overwhelmed with things to do, one of the first reactions is to create a to-do list. The thinking behind a to-do list sounds logical - lots of stuff to do, keeping it all in ones head is a task in and of itself, so write them down. Then, during periods of 'free' time, the list can be consulted, and productivity skyrockets!

A few items may get knocked off the list, but how often have you created a to-do list where items just sit, because something more pressing came up?

It's those more pressing items that are the problem. Sure, some of those are fires and legitimate things that need taking care of right away. But most of the time? Once something is on a to-do list, it becomes kind of a permission slip to get distracted by something else. "Oh, I can come back to it, because it's on my list, and I won't forget it!"

Which brings us to why to-do lists fail. That word: distraction.

Quick quiz: What is the opposite of distraction?

If you said focus, then I've got good news for you! You answered with the most common answer.

The bad news is that that answer is incorrect. The real opposite of distraction is traction, and there in lies the problem. What we commonly think is the antidote to distraction is completely incorrect. When we get distracted, it's not that we lack focus - we have focus, it's just not what we'd like to think we want to focus on.

So yes, we are going to get into a bit of etymology here, but it's actually really important, because if you want to solve the problem of distraction, you have to understand what it really is.

The root of the word traction comes from the Latin trahere, meaning 'to pull'. When we have traction, we are pulled in a direction. We say we want to be pulled in a direction of productivity, moving the needle, or making progress - but all too often, we are pulled in a different direction. Thus, distraction. So, it's not that we don't have focus; it's that we have an urge, or a sense of being pulled, in another direction. Focus actually has nothing to do with it.

Now we get into the reasons why you might be pulled in a different direction. Maybe it's the buzzers and beeps of a device sitting next to you. Maybe it's a browser tab with social media or a stock portfolio. Whatever it is, it's something you have half a mind on, and when your work-brain senses a lull in activity (such as completing an email, or finishing up working a problem), that half-a-mind on something else ends up being opportunistic for attention, and suddenly that quick break has resulted in 45 minutes disappearing from your day. And was that half-a-mind on getting back to your to-do list? (Oh, right. The to-do list. The whole reason that brought us here). Nope.

So, what can we do about it? Close browser windows, and turn off notifications on our devices? Maybe. But we've all tried that, and it doesn't completely solve the problem. The full answer lies in something you may not expect: recognizing that the problem is a pain (or at least, discomfort) management issue.

Here is an example: A lot of times, we may have a general sense of what needs to get done on a given workday, or we may say 'Today I'm going to work on this documentation'. Then you start off, and Pat asks you for something, pulling your attention away from the documentation. You figure 'OK, well, Pat needs this thing, so I'll help them. And it's not like the documentation absolutely has to be done today.' So you dump what you are working on, help Pat, and then before spooling back up, you 'take a break' - check email, check the socials, maybe take care of some other stuff. Then, before you know it, the end of the day comes along, and maybe you helped Pat (which felt good, in the moment), but you didn't finish the documentation, and its right there on your plate for the next day. You didn't get that sense of accomplishment of finishing what you set out to do. Best case, you get to it the following day - a day late, but not terrible. Worst case, that next day (or 2, or 7) was already scheduled for something else, and that documentation lingers for days, leaving you with a noticeable sense of incompletion. And that is the part that sucks. That is the part that, over time, is demoralizing and wears on your psyche.

Now it's easier to see why a to-do list, by itself, isn't the solution. In my experience, to-do lists end up being a parking lot more than anything else. And it's not that that isn't useful - sometimes we have enough stuff on our plate that we need a place to put lower priority things as a reminder. But all-too-often we delude ourselves into thinking that a to-do list is the answer, when in fact, it's just the first part of the solution. We have to have a plan to act on the to-do list. Many times, this means being proactive with a schedule and sticking to it. Telling Pat 'no' may not feel good in the moment, but Pat can't reasonably expect you to dump everything to help them, and meanwhile you've (potentially) sacrificed your own sense of accomplishment.

Take the items on the to-do list, and don't just 'get to them when you get a moment' - consciously block time off in your schedule to do them. You'll get the satisfaction of accomplishing what you set out to do, and have a shorter to-do list as a result. And that is the path of least discomfort.

This post was inspired by an interview I heard with Nir Eyal, author of the book 'Indistractable'

Breaking Out of the Victim Mindset

I'm going to start off by admitting that this post may seem a bit out there. I'll also say that what I'm about to write about is one of those things that is at once simplistic sounding, but if you bear with me and mull it over a bit, I think you'll find (as I did) that the concepts are quite profound in their application.

The concept apparently originated from Michael Beckwith, but I heard it through Jim Dethmer as the four states of consciousness, or the four states of being.

They are:

• TO me
• BY me
• THROUGH me
• AS me

TO me:

This represents the victimhood state of mind. Things happen TO me. Most everyone knows someone who has a lot of things that seemingly happen TO them. It's never their fault, and they are just a victim of the situation.

BY me:

This represents someone who has identified they have some degree of exerting control of what happens to them. The BY me state represents acknowledgement of agency over ones actions.

THROUGH me:

The THROUGH me state is essentially when someone does something that feels right at that time. If you've ever felt yourself in a flow state, that is one example of the THROUGH me state.

AS me:

This one can be a bit out there. The short version is that AS me is the oneness that a lot of spiritual practices talk about. Ego is removed, and you are part of something much bigger.

So now that we have a summary of the states, let's get a bit more practical.

First off, since these are states of being, or of consciousness, it's important to realize that we move in and out of these at all times. For example, there are sometimes one is legitimately a victim. When I got robbed at a T stop at night when I was college, I was a legitimate victim. That happened TO me. But after that, I did the predictable thing that most people would do - I switched to a BY me state, and from then on, I didn't take that particular path home, at night, in the dark. I was able to exert agency over my situation to prevent that situation from happening again.

That is an easy example, but lets take another one. Lets say you work on a team of 5 or 6 people, you've been at your company for 5 years, and your team leader moves on. The position of team leader is now up for grabs, and you are interested in that position. You put your hat in the ring, but it turns out that Bob, your teammate who has only been with the company for 1 year, gets the job.

It'd be real easy to slip into a TO me mindset - you feel that you deserved that promotion. After all, you had longer tenure, and who the hell is Bob to have gotten it instead of you?

Well, chances are, Bob did something to get noticed or to get recognized. In short, Bob, knowingly or not, was acting from a BY me mindset. Maybe he was regularly checking in with management to make sure his goals were aligned with business goals while you were doing what only you thought was moving the needle, but actually wasn't. Maybe he was attending company social events and getting to know the decision makers of the company, staying forefront in their mind. It's hard to know exactly what Bob did, but I guarantee you he was actively doing something to increase his chances.

The TO me and BY me states are, on the surface, pretty easy to grasp, as I think most people can quickly think of examples throughout the day where something happened TO them, and where they took some sort of proactive (BY me) action to prevent an undesirable outcome learned through hard knocks.

Things get a bit more tricky with the THROUGH me - but here is a situation I bet most people can identify with: ruminating on something for a while, tossing a problem around in your head, and then suddenly the solution (or path forward) becomes clear. I find this happens with writing quite often - I have something I want to write about, but not sure how to portray it in written form. Sometimes I try to force it, but upon reading it, it does indeed sound forced. Other times something just clicks, and the words flow.

One thing I've found is that these moments happen more frequently during motion (either while going for a walk, or run), or when either going to, or coming out of, sleep.

The AS me state is, at least from what I've been able to discern so far, almost more of a philosophical state. It's when you get to a point of letting go, and just being. Most people probably think of someone sitting down cross legged and meditating as an example of this state - and that may be true - but I'd also argue that there are plenty of times in normal life that people end up in an AS me state.

For example, if you are part of a large team and you have a particular area of focus that is deemed your area of contribution, that starts to be a bit of the AS me state. Your ego is not compelling you to solve problems outside of your sphere, you accept you are part of a larger team, you do solid work and take pride in what you can contribute, and you let others do their jobs so that everyone can succeed.

In a lot of ways, I'd say the Patriots way of playing when they had Tom Brady was very much a team of players in an 'AS me' state. The 1980 US Olympic hockey team in the movie Miracle, with Herb Brooks shouting from the sidelines "DO YOUR JOB!" is another example. Those players were in an AS me state.

Much like various types of bias, these states of consciousness aren't completely avoidable, and all of them are completely natural. However, I find it interesting how we tend to move from one state to another throughout the day. And like bias, simply being aware of them allows one to ask themselves the sometimes hard, but necessary question: am I really a victim, or do I actually possess some ability to control the outcome? Because I would argue that many times, the latter is true, but you have to ask yourself the question in order to move on, and avoid getting stuck in the victimhood mindset.