Empathy - The Secret to Building Relationships

Empathy is a huge topic that I have been wrestling with how to write about for a while now, but I thought a good place to start would be to define two words that are often confused with each other - sympathy and empathy.

Sympathy is showing you understand what the other person is experiencing.

Empathy is putting yourself in the shoes of the other person and (at least practicing) feeling the emotions that they feel.

To help illustrate the difference, let's look at an example response for each in the scenario where a friend loses their job:

• Sympathetic response: 'Oh wow, that sucks. I'm sorry that happened.'
• Empathetic response: 'Oh wow, I'm really sorry to hear that. I know that job was important to you, and you put a lot of effort into it, so it must be really disappointing that it didn't work out. Do you want to meet up for a drink/lunch/coffee to talk about it?"

Both responses acknowledge the unfortunate turn of events, but the empathetic response does a few key additional things:

• Includes words of emotion (in this case, 'disappointing').
• Has an action associated with it (the offer to meet up in person).
• The focus remains on the person and their feelings.

There is a subtlety on that last point that is often overlooked. In our desire to connect with a person going through a hard time, it is common to try and relate by retelling our own potentially similar experience. The thinking is honest and well meaning, but in a conversation that demands empathy, telling your story completely glosses over the other persons feelings. Empathy requires that we stick with the person and how they are feeling.

One potential way to tell whether you are responding with sympathy vs empathy is the medium used. The best scenario is in person, where the full impact of body language can be expressed. The next option down is phone or voice, where you at least still have vocal intonations. By the time you get to email to text, chances are the response is more sympathetic than empathetic. It's not a perfect measure, and your existing rapport with the individual can make a big difference, but at a high level, it works.

So, why do we care about empathy?

In one word: trust. Regardless of whether you are a salesperson or a technician, the best scenario is one where the customer trusts that you have their best interest at heart. This is the core foundation of any relationship - business, or professional. And, who do people turn to when they need help? Those they trust. If you gain someones trust, you gain an ally.