Imagine you are in negotiations with someone. Obviously one of the objectives is to establish some sort of common thread, or come to some sort of understanding, with the other party. It is part of establishing empathy and trust.
But how you go about establishing that common thread is extremely important, and in subtle ways.
A lot of people would say that if you can get the other person to agree with you, such as by agreeing that the services or product you are offering is better, or meets their needs - then hearing them say "You're right" is money. Whatever the case may be - selling a solution, or negotiating for a raise - you'd understandably be happy to hear that phrase come from the person on the other side of the table, because it would seem like you are well on your way to getting what you want out of the negotiation.
Am I right?
Actually, no.
Hearing the words "You're right" in a negotiation setting is actually not a good thing. More often than not, when someone says "You're right", it is a defensive posture. It is a way for the other person to give themselves some distance, and many times, it's a tactic to get the other person (you) to go away.
To illustrate this, think about times you've muttered the words "You're right" to another person - for example, a significant other (perhaps during an argument). Why did you say that? If you are like most people, and chances are, you are - it was because you were just done talking about the topic at hand, and wanted to generate space for yourself. It's true that there are times when "You're right" is actually spoken in an authentic manner and is genuinely meant in the way that it sounds - but far more than we realize, it's actually a sign that one side is mentally exhausted and wants/needs some space. And in negotiations, that method of generating space is not favorable.
Instead of "You're right", the real aim is to get the other side to "That's right". When you hear "That's right", the subject matter is separated from the person, and there is acknowledgement that the "thing" being discussed is correct. In turn, that is a sign that an epiphany, or that some sort of bond of shared vision, has occurred.
How do you get from "You're right" to "That's right"? While the subtleties and nuances of negotiation are far beyond the scope of this article (or entire blog), we can look at an easy example scenario, which is when one person brings facts and reasonable logic to a discussion. At first glance, this seems like a good idea - but we've all experienced situations where we try to convince someone of something using facts and logic, and they only dig their heels in further as a response. It's easy to simply cast that off as the person being obstinate or not rational - but the news flash is that everyone is susceptible to the confirmation bias that leads to that defensive reaction. Not just the other person who didn't 'understand' your logic and reasoning - but everyone, you and me included.
It all comes back to what we really want in a discussion - which is to be heard. To be seen. To have our concerns acknowledged and validated. If, during a negotiation, we brow-beat the other side with our facts and figures and logic, they will either walk out in frustration (and it will be obvious that things have gone south), or they will acquiesce just to get it over with, and say "You're right". But, ask yourself - does that sound like the reaction of someone who is going to be happy continuing to do business with, or work, with you? Most likely not.
On the other hand, if, instead of beating the other side down with your argument, you are able to discuss, acknowledge, and address their concerns by asking validating questions ('So, if I understand things correctly, the primary issue you want to address is X, Y, and Z. Is that right?') - you will have established a common bond between you and the other person and will be moving the needle in a significant way. They
That bond is favorable in negotiations, and why it is better to strive for "That's right" instead of "You're right"
This piece of wisdom shamelessly stolen from Chris Voss' book 'Never Split the Difference'
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