If you are like most people (and you probably are), there are times you found your thoughts getting in the way of you being happy. Maybe you were able to drop the storyline and move on - those are the easy ones. However, what about the thoughts that you cannot let go?
I find that the biggest stumbling blocks involve an “if… then” statement. For example – if I got a raise, then I’d be happy. Or, if only Bob would respond to my emails more quickly, then it’d be a lot easier to work with him. You get the idea.
The problem is, these statements depend on external factors, which we have limited control over. That is why we have a hard time letting go, because there is not a lot we can do to affect the outcome.
Not too long ago, I was introduced to “The Work” of Byron Katie, which is a sort of meditation designed to help work with those ‘if… then’ statements. It was not advertised as such – but I find it applicable nonetheless.
This meditation is comprised of asking yourself four questions, followed by a turnaround. I'll take a moment here and point out that these questions are meant to be reflected on with some intention - they only help if you put effort into them.
Let’s walk through the example of a thought being “if I got a raise, then I’d be happy”:
1. Is it true?
Yes! Everyone wants more money!
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
Maybe? It’d be nice to get a raise, but how will the money actually help?
3. How do you react when you believe that thought?
It’s frustrating that I have not gotten a raise.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Less cynical about my employer, and more motivated at work.
The final step, the turnaround, is turning the thought into the opposite. Instead of ‘if I got a raise, then I’d be happy”, you could ask ‘Why is it that getting a raise would make me happy?’ By flipping the script, you are able to realize that perhaps a raise represents validation and acknowledgement by your boss and the organization.
Now we are getting somewhere!
In this case, happiness is not predicated on an incremental increase of income – it’s based on acknowledgement as a valued contributor. I am not saying people should not get, or want, raises for good performance, but this example is useful because it is a very common one, and many times it’s not the monetary value of the raise itself that provides happiness – it is something deeper.
Although the above is just one example, people can usually think of multiple ‘if.. then’ statements that affect their life. It is very easy to unconsciously set expectations that rely on some external factor that we cannot control, and ignore the internal attitude and recognition of factors that we can control.
The magic of the above four questions is that they provide us the ability to really drill down and tease out the real issue that is bothering us.
No comments:
Post a Comment