We all know that the secret to great relationships - whether personal or professional - is communication. And we all know that a major component of communication is listening - but we rarely encounter any tips on how to actually listen, and what makes for effective listening. For many people, it's only in the realm of something like therapy do we ever hear terms like 'active listening', and we start being exposed to how to communicate effectively.
I was listening to an interview with author Oscar Trimboli recently, and he mentioned the four common mistakes made when listening, and it struck me as one of the first times I've heard effective listening being defined so clearly - albeit through the contrast of mistakes.
The first thing I'll point out - all of these mistakes come from a good place. They come from the listener wanting to help. I think that is a critical point to reinforce - although the mechanism may miss the mark, the intent and effort is genuine. The second thing to point out - these items are not mutually exclusive, and there are often aspects of more than one mistake being. The final thing I'll point out - no one is immune from making these mistakes, and listening is a continual practice.
1) Dramatic listener. This person listens (most likely unknowingly) for emotional cues, and uses that as a springboard to tell their own version of a story with a similar emotion. The intent is good and genuine, to establish a bond with the speaker by demonstrating they have been in a similar situation. However, the end result is that the original speaker usually feels their story is dismissed or diminished.
Years ago I saw this Dilbert comic, and it stuck with me. The dramatic listener is basically Topper.
I think that to avoid being Topper, it's important to remember that whatever the speaker is saying, it's not about you, the listener. It's about them. Retelling a bigger and better story isn't being empathetic, it's at best sympathetic (see this post to read about the difference), and at worst dismissive.
2) Interrupting listener. We process thoughts and words much faster than we can speak them. The interrupting listener hears the start of a story, and in their desire to save time, interrupts the speaker to move things along by completing sentences or phrases. This is especially true if the speaker pauses for a few moments to collect their next batch of thoughts. Again, this comes from a good place (saving time, or wanting to help the speaker find the words of phrase they may seemingly be struggling to find), but more often than not, it backfires. Blurting out the incorrect word or phrase can easily derail the speaker and cause them to backtrack. Ironically, the interrupting listener often ends up wasting, rather than saving, time because of this.
Oscar's suggestion in this case is to treat a pause as a word - it has a beginning, middle, and end; after the pause, wait to a count of three before attempting to speak. More often than not, the speaker will have had enough time to get their next thoughts out, and the conversation continues on smoothly.
3) The lost listener. This person disengages from the speaker and is usually thinking about their last, or next, thought. In some ways, this listener is not really listening, but waiting for their chance to speak. Other times, the lost listener doesn't know what their role in the conversation is. If someone starts rattling off a story, and you are questioning your involvement in hearing the story, you are probably the lost listener. A lot of times, simply asking 'So, what is it you are looking to me for?' Sometimes the speaker just wants someone to listen so they can vent. Other times they may want your opinion on something. Once it is established what your role in the conversation is, it's a lot easier to remain engaged and make it a productive exchange.
4) The shrewd listener. This is very prevalent in fields where people are looked upon for their expertise - such as doctors, lawyers, and consultants. These people tend to listen to the start of a story, and begin solving the problem before the person has finished speaking. Once again, the intent is good natured and genuine, as they often want to portray confidence that the speakers issue is common enough and there is a solid solution. However the shrewd listener can easily become susceptible to confirmation bias and misdiagnosis if the problem has been 'solved' before all pertinent details have been conveyed, as pieces of evidence that don't conform to the diagnosis are dismissed or their importance minimized.
The remedy here is to let the person finish speaking, and ask follow up questions to verify understanding before coming up with a diagnosis. As an IT consultant, I know the mistake of the shrewd listener well - having worked with people who make the mistake, and having made it myself. I've learned that more confidence is portrayed by being silent when I need to be silent, and not being afraid to ask follow up questions that may seem simple or stupid. It's not uncommon that those 'simple' questions end up resulting in an answer that was different than I was originally thinking they would, which clarifies understanding of the situation overall.
Once again - all of these mistakes are made from an honest and well meaning place, but the execution of that help happens to be flawed. I've made all of the mistakes above and continually try to improve my own listening skills, and knowing what the common mistakes are makes it easier to identify when I am committing one.
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