Free Yourself from Those Pesky Mental Burdens

If you are like most people (and you probably are), there are times you found your thoughts getting in the way of you being happy. Maybe you were able to drop the storyline and move on - those are the easy ones. However, what about the thoughts that you cannot let go?

I find that the biggest stumbling blocks involve an “if… then” statement. For example – if I got a raise, then I’d be happy. Or, if only Bob would respond to my emails more quickly, then it’d be a lot easier to work with him. You get the idea.

The problem is, these statements depend on external factors, which we have limited control over. That is why we have a hard time letting go, because there is not a lot we can do to affect the outcome.

Not too long ago, I was introduced to “The Work” of Byron Katie, which is a sort of meditation designed to help work with those ‘if… then’ statements. It was not advertised as such – but I find it applicable nonetheless.

This meditation is comprised of asking yourself four questions, followed by a turnaround. I'll take a moment here and point out that these questions are meant to be reflected on with some intention - they only help if you put effort into them.

Let’s walk through the example of a thought being “if I got a raise, then I’d be happy”:

1. Is it true?

Yes! Everyone wants more money!

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

Maybe? It’d be nice to get a raise, but how will the money actually help?

3. How do you react when you believe that thought?

It’s frustrating that I have not gotten a raise.

4. Who would you be without the thought?

Less cynical about my employer, and more motivated at work.

The final step, the turnaround, is turning the thought into the opposite. Instead of ‘if I got a raise, then I’d be happy”, you could ask ‘Why is it that getting a raise would make me happy?’ By flipping the script, you are able to realize that perhaps a raise represents validation and acknowledgement by your boss and the organization.

Now we are getting somewhere!

In this case, happiness is not predicated on an incremental increase of income – it’s based on acknowledgement as a valued contributor. I am not saying people should not get, or want, raises for good performance, but this example is useful because it is a very common one, and many times it’s not the monetary value of the raise itself that provides happiness – it is something deeper.

Although the above is just one example, people can usually think of multiple ‘if.. then’ statements that affect their life. It is very easy to unconsciously set expectations that rely on some external factor that we cannot control, and ignore the internal attitude and recognition of factors that we can control.

The magic of the above four questions is that they provide us the ability to really drill down and tease out the real issue that is bothering us. 

Hacking the Habit Loop

Why is it that bad habits are so easy to pick up, and good habits are so hard to create?

It’s because the common perception of how habits work is incorrect. Conventional wisdom tells us that if we want to form a good habit, we have to plod through some onerous ritual every day for 30 days, and then the habit will magically stick; if we want to break a bad habit, we have to suffer through some sort of denial before the craving magically disappears.

That sounds terrible. It’s no wonder we have a hard time managing them.

So, how then, can we better manage them? Or even take advantage of how they work, to our benefit?

The first step is to recognize that habits are, at their core, quite simple – there is a trigger, there is an action, and there is a reward. Put them all together, and you have a habit loop. That’s it.

The next thing that needs to be addressed is the language, and there are two factors here. The first is the idea of good and bad habits. Notice that in the habit loop above, there is no mention of good or bad. That’s because the only difference between good and bad habits is context and desirability. Just like a weed is simply a plant growing where you don’t want it, a bad habit is something you do that you’d rather not do. Good, bad – it has nothing to do with the habit itself. The habit just is.

The second aspect of habit language is the concept of breaking a habit. A habit is not broken – it is replaced. The crux of this concept is mired by the fact that the mechanism of replacement can range from the quite simple, to the complex. If you’ve had a habit that you previously ‘broke’ by brute force (stopping the cycle at the ‘action’ phase) – what actually happened was that the new action, followed by receiving the new reward (even if just the mental congratulations you gave yourself), was stronger than the reward you got previously. For some habits, that can work. But for other habits, the reward is a lot more complex, and you have to reflect on what, precisely, is the thing (or things) that you gain from the habit. Then, you have to find a way to get the reward(s) without performing the same action.

Habits are a crucial part of how we navigate through the world. They are a shortcut tool our brain uses that reduces decision fatigue, which allows us to save our mental energy for new situations we may encounter throughout our day. Like any tool, they provide benefit, but can also cause problems. By recognizing what they are at their core, and reconstructing the narrative around how we think of them – it becomes a lot easier to shed habits we don’t want, and embrace new habits that we do.

How Asking for Advice the Right Way Pays Continual Dividends

There’s a right way to ask for advice, and there are wrong ways. Asking the right way gets you an answer that is not just useful, but also gives you a champion in your corner; asking the wrong way can result in a brush off response that alienates the advice-giver.

If I am looking for advice, and I’ve done some of my own research and invested effort in educating myself on the topic, I can ask pointed, direct questions. As a result, I have a better chance of getting advice I can act on.

For example, let’s say I want to learn a new skill like cooking. If I approach someone who does a lot of cooking, I could ask them ‘I want to get better at cooking – do you have any suggestions on what I should do?’ The response is likely to be vague and generic, like “Find recipes on the internet and just start cooking more.”

The problem is that I haven’t provided the other person with anything to work with, so they aren’t going to get into specifics about what herbs and spices go with chicken vs steak, or how to sauté aromatics properly. I’ve demonstrated no real investment myself, so the other person has no reason to invest their time and resources in me, either.

On the other hand, if I approach that person and ask ‘I want to get better at cooking, and I’ve watched some episodes of America’s Test Kitchen – are their recipes suitable for a beginner?’ then a conversation can happen! They can ask questions to learn about my comfort level in the kitchen, or they can ask what looked interesting to me. They are in a better position to offer me something useful, and I’m in a better position to do something with it.

Further still, now that we’ve engaged in a mutual interest conversation, they are more likely, at some point, to ask how things are going. They have become invested as well, and they will want to see if that investment is paying off. After all, everyone loves to get recognition for giving advice!

Sometimes, people will claim to be asking for advice, but in reality they are looking to validate a decision they have already made. Using the previous example, if I asked "I saw this recipe on America’s Test Kitchen, it looks good, and I was thinking of trying it – do you think that’s a good idea?" I’ve already made up my mind, and it would take a lot to dissuade me from trying it. If the person being asked replied with ‘no’, and I go ahead anyway, then I’ve directly countered their advice, and there’s little incentive for them to be helpful in the future.

The thing about asking advice – it’s a really good way to engender support from someone who knows more about a topic than you do, so it’s worth the effort to make sure you are capitalizing on that opportunity. If you ask someone for advice in a way that shows you’ve already put effort in, and you are open to actually following the advice given – you gain a valuable ally in your corner that you can go to for additional advice in the future.

Empathy - The Secret to Building Relationships

Empathy is a huge topic that I have been wrestling with how to write about for a while now, but I thought a good place to start would be to define two words that are often confused with each other - sympathy and empathy.

Sympathy is showing you understand what the other person is experiencing.

Empathy is putting yourself in the shoes of the other person and (at least practicing) feeling the emotions that they feel.

To help illustrate the difference, let's look at an example response for each in the scenario where a friend loses their job:

• Sympathetic response: 'Oh wow, that sucks. I'm sorry that happened.'
• Empathetic response: 'Oh wow, I'm really sorry to hear that. I know that job was important to you, and you put a lot of effort into it, so it must be really disappointing that it didn't work out. Do you want to meet up for a drink/lunch/coffee to talk about it?"

Both responses acknowledge the unfortunate turn of events, but the empathetic response does a few key additional things:

• Includes words of emotion (in this case, 'disappointing').
• Has an action associated with it (the offer to meet up in person).
• The focus remains on the person and their feelings.

There is a subtlety on that last point that is often overlooked. In our desire to connect with a person going through a hard time, it is common to try and relate by retelling our own potentially similar experience. The thinking is honest and well meaning, but in a conversation that demands empathy, telling your story completely glosses over the other persons feelings. Empathy requires that we stick with the person and how they are feeling.

One potential way to tell whether you are responding with sympathy vs empathy is the medium used. The best scenario is in person, where the full impact of body language can be expressed. The next option down is phone or voice, where you at least still have vocal intonations. By the time you get to email to text, chances are the response is more sympathetic than empathetic. It's not a perfect measure, and your existing rapport with the individual can make a big difference, but at a high level, it works.

So, why do we care about empathy?

In one word: trust. Regardless of whether you are a salesperson or a technician, the best scenario is one where the customer trusts that you have their best interest at heart. This is the core foundation of any relationship - business, or professional. And, who do people turn to when they need help? Those they trust. If you gain someones trust, you gain an ally.

The Biggest Mistake In My Career

We all make mistakes, but when I think back over my career, this one really stood out: For almost 20 years, I virtually ignored networking. It’s only now, midway through my career, that I’m finally learning how important it can be.

I’ve always heard that having a network is beneficial, but I only really considered it in the context of the verb ‘to network’ which, according to my view, was something done by people who are unemployed and looking for a job. I have been very fortunate that I’ve continually had stable jobs where I felt secure in my employment, so I never felt a huge need to go out and ‘network’.

For an introvert like me, making connections and maintaining them takes a lot of effort. I’m not naturally good at the small talk, and I don’t have the natural charisma that some people do. I’m not a compelling story teller, so holding court with an audience can be a challenge. Traditionally, if I’ve made a connection with someone, it has been based on something substantial that we have in common, and that connection has been made with the intent of continued investment.

But what I’ve been realizing lately is that my concept of having a network was almost all wrong: The value of the network is not the endpoints (each individual person) - it’s the web itself. I had been looking at the network from a very ego-centric, hub-and-spoke point of view, when the strongest webs are a mesh.

The purpose of the connection web is to help facilitate additional connections – not only between me and others I’ve interacted with, but also between two or more people that I’ve met, who can benefit mutually from an introduction. If I help someone one on one, that is great – but connecting multiple people is even better. Larger networks mean higher chances that I can facilitate connections between two or more people.

To help push past my narrow view, it helped me to realize that everyone else is in the same boat. Ultimately, we create our networks because it helps us further our careers, or enhance our personal life in some way. We do get benefit from it – so we can’t completely ignore the egotistical side of it. However, so does everyone else – they grow their networks to increase the chances that they get a boost in some way down the line. So if I toss out a connection request, they might as well accept it, because they don’t know how I may be able to assist them in the future, when they might need it.

File this learning under “Salespeople already know this – but other technically-minded people like me may be blissfully ignorant to the value of a well-formed network”.

If you haven’t already – start building your web of connections now. When you need it, you will be glad did.

Capitalizing on Change

 “The only thing that is constant is change” - Heraclitus

That quote, or some variant of it, has been heard by everyone, and has been around for millennia. I’m sure most people think about it the same way I initially did – a bit of reflection upon events in ones’ own life, recognition that changes did happen over time, but feeling that but for a few significant events (marriage, kids, etc) - we were largely powerless over the changes that happened in our lives.

However, I think there are deeper meanings, and multiple levels of truth, in sayings that have stood the test of time.

In this case, the first level of truth is initial reflection. It’s easy to look at the past and see how the saying has applied to events that already happened - the tapestry of history is already known, and we are familiar with looking at the past to gain insight.

The second level of truth is recognizing that the saying will continue to be true in the future. It sounds obvious, but it is more difficult to embrace, because it means admitting things you enjoy in your life right now will change – your relationships, your career, your health, etc. The changes are not necessarily bad, but things like relationship dynamics and career paths do change over time.

The third level of truth is recognition of change as it is happening. In my opinion, this is where the saying really starts to show its value, because change is opportunity in disguise, and if change happens frequently, that means there is always a new opportunity. We can then use these opportunities to improve our situation or set us up for future success - we just have to tune our eyes to see the opportunity.

For example, maybe there has been some management change at your workplace. This sort of thing is often viewed with trepidation because it can threaten the status quo and existing level of comfort. However, this change may result in new professional growth opportunities – barriers that existed in the old regime may not be present in the new, because policies and procedures may be altered.

Or perhaps something has happened in your life that has changed your comfortable and familiar schedule. This change may result in a new consistent block of time that is conducive to pursuing something you have been thinking about for a while, such as working out more regularly, reading more, or even preparing your own home cooked meals more often.

How many times have you examined some factor of your life - how you ended up at your current job, how you met your spouse, or how your deepest friendships developed - followed the chain of events that ultimately led to that outcome, and been amazed that something so insignificant at one point in time resulted in something so significant now?

That was when something happened in your life when you weren't paying attention. Now, imagine how things could look 20 years from now if you brought a level of intention and vision to events happening in your life right now.

Life presents us with a lot of changes on a regular basis that at first seem insignificant. Yet, we can use them to continually practice sharpening our vision, which provides even more opportunities we can capitalize on. Over time, this cycle acts like compound interest – small changes now pay big dividends later.

Don't be afraid of change. Embrace it.

The Challenge of Working From Home That No One Seems to Mention

Having a quiet workplace where you can concentrate is great, and the internet is flooded with articles offering advice on how to do that. That’s the easy part.

I find the hard part about working from home is the other side - how to ramp-down the work brain, and flip into our family brain once we take the five steps that has become our commute. It’s only been recently that I discovered how much of a challenge this is, even though I’ve been working primarily from home for four years now.

When I am in work-brain mode, I have a tendency to be ‘Go! Go! Go!’, and I’ve learned (the hard way) that this attitude is not conducive to interacting with family. When my brain is still in a super-productive mindset, and I’m thrust back into a normal home environment, I come across as short tempered, irritated, and annoyed. As you could guess, this can be a source of friction.

A few weeks ago, I started reflecting on what was going on. At the time, I couldn’t even articulate the problem in the way I did above – I just knew there was something going on between work and home that wasn’t quite right. I eventually came to realize that I was holding onto work-related anxiety – specifically around situations where I either didn’t feel productive that day, or didn’t get as much done as I’d hoped.

That was a major breakthrough for me, which led me to come up with the following process for dis-engaging from work prior to walking out of the office:

• Start winding down work related tasks 30 minutes prior to leaving the office. I had gotten into a habit of trying to remain as productive as possible up until the final minute, but oftentimes I still didn’t finish the task I was working on, and it made things a mess to pick up the next day. By starting to wind down early, that easily led to the next item…
• Note down what tasks to start on first thing the next day. This accomplishes two things – it allows for some closure for the day if I didn’t finish a task, and it gives me an easy spot to start from the next morning to spool up productivity.
• Don’t beat myself up for not getting to everything. The reality is that tasks I am involved in at the midpoint of my career are significantly more complex than they were at the start of my career. There are going to be days where it doesn’t seem like the productivity needle has moved much, but these larger tasks require a lot more groundwork than early-career tasks.

These are little things, but I find they make a big difference in offloading the mental burden and making the transition from work-brain to family/home brain.